Harvest of Gems - Four

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I mean all the meditation was making the grossness come out and she was dumping it and it was hairy and it's like the black hats were taking over in Washington and all this chaos was becoming a drag and everybody I knew was dying of emotional AIDS she saw nothing, but bleakness and it's like all these parasites were flocking around her for lunch and the isolation was driving her and this weird monk guy kept bothering us saying all the time how compassionate and intelligent we were and how we felt like a third person when we were together and he thought it was so astonishing and harmonious and I wanted to laugh I mean if he only really knew what was going on I mean all this boundary loss without protection shit I didn't want it I mean all this release it was tough and a lot of it was sexual shit dumped on us from a screwed up culture and I wanted to get away from it all from all the differences and I know she did too I mean I wanted to disappear and see sleep and being awake and being dead and being alive as all the same kind of phenomena and it's like it just kept pouring and pouring I mean CONSTANTLY outside and inside I mean it's like she was at the center of some weird feeding frenzy like she was this sacrifice for all of us and it's like she was this strange kind of prostitute I mean she was really attractive and it's like really deep kind of emotions were at work Marduk was killing chaos now wafting it up from the underworld yeah it was that hairy and I could see finally that Mettapani was just this vast dream epic kind of thing I mean filled with tons of unpunctuated passages and dreamworld connectors and it's like they were all kind just nested and layered kind of things yeah like layers in a dream chaos and dream order that's what it all was about and she was beginning to understand what all this was about and so was I and I took that crazy monk to the laundry and he invited her to his cabin and she went and it's like he started acting a little weird and thinking he was some high Lama and we found out that he was kind of crazy the nun running the place told me and it was to bad because who could she talk to while I was writing I mean I'm a maniac of flashbacks and lashforwards when I'm pounding at the keys and it's like I was redaing up Buck Henry's screenplay and it was great I loved his dark dreams and heller's dreams and it was finally all kind of crystallizing really fast now this Kalachakra dream this high mother tantra I mean it was intricate and it was dense and it was glorious it really was like this consort visualization you know like yeah I was getting ready to write and the head nun got into this fetal position when I was talking to her I mean she wasn't sure what she was about and she wanted me to like her and the caretaker this Texas guy from Texas it's like he wanted to learn how to practice and he was a painter all stoked up about Kadinski and then it just happened I was ready to write and I was juggling all kinds of white and yellow maps and I went to go see her and she told me she had a dream about falling into the ocean like in the middle of the Atlantic and that said it all like the pilot just said something weird like BLUE GOTTA GO and I realized I had bitten off more than I could chew I started to cry and she hld my hand to her heart and I finally lifted off and went into orbit yeah we were up in space at last and I experimented with fonts and kind of floated through the dreamworlds and it was kind of liquidy and full of texture and it was filled with shifting rhythms and I could just feel myself fusing with Kafka and Joyce and it was great despite a lot of re-writing which I didn't really like and I found her in bed crying and wasting away and I wasn't really fooled anymore by her calm exterior and Chesire cat smiles I mean all those old things were still pulling and tugging and I recited some of my old stuff and she liked it and I sat on my glasses and the rains just kept coming and I realized Joyce was a channel-surfer and so was I like we hated watching the same old kind of show and she apologized for all her mistakes and I just let her go and felt better I mean I just kept dreaming about all these snatched offerings and it's like she meant so much to me it's like she was this sexual saint looking for spiritual protection in side this dream epic you know layered with all kinds of order and chaos it's like she was this sexual saint who was bleeding on everyone's behalf like the way a divine mother sacrifices herself and I mean it's like she was this chaos on the sacrifical altar of order like Iphegenia od Petra you know and it's like she was a light for the parasites this kind of holy mouth of Kali spewing all sorts of light undifferentiated and digestible and yeah it's like she was a prisoner of all these demons and a messanger of all the gods and kind of like a river harnessed and damned up sort of like an ocean of blessing you know a kind of toxin absorber and transformer like a fire needing to be tamed I mean really intense and subtley wrathful like creation and destruction itself and kind of roaring away really attractive and repulsive like this really fine jewel that needed divine kinds of cutting like my diamond coming to life in thee flesh....

....and I took her to the train station in San Jose. She was really excited. I mean she was going on a train again just like in Europe. We ran through the tunnels that led to her platform. The cars were silent and empty like cool winter nights. We groaned a little as we held each other. There was a feeling of closure like that of a phase. The sky was overcast almost pretty that day like a jazz record I clapped my hands as I started to wave goodbye.

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