METTAPANI
I
mean all the meditation was making the grossness come out and
she was dumping it and it was hairy and it's like the black
hats were taking over in Washington and all this chaos was becoming
a drag and everybody I knew was dying of emotional AIDS she
saw nothing, but bleakness and it's like all these parasites
were flocking around her for lunch and the isolation was driving
her and this weird monk guy kept bothering us saying all the
time how compassionate and intelligent we were and how we felt
like a third person when we were together and he thought it
was so astonishing and harmonious and I wanted to laugh I mean
if he only really knew what was going on I mean all this boundary
loss without protection shit I didn't want it I mean all this
release it was tough and a lot of it was sexual shit dumped
on us from a screwed up culture and I wanted to get away from
it all from all the differences and I know she did too I mean
I wanted to disappear and see sleep and being awake and being
dead and being alive as all the same kind of phenomena and it's
like it just kept pouring and pouring I mean CONSTANTLY outside
and inside I mean it's like she was at the center of some weird
feeding frenzy like she was this sacrifice for all of us and
it's like she was this strange kind of prostitute I mean she
was really attractive and it's like really deep kind of emotions
were at work Marduk was killing chaos now wafting it up from
the underworld yeah it was that hairy and I could see finally
that Mettapani was just this vast dream epic kind of thing I
mean filled with tons of unpunctuated passages and dreamworld
connectors and it's like they were all kind just nested and
layered kind of things yeah like layers in a dream chaos and
dream order that's what it all was about and she was beginning
to understand what all this was about and so was I and I took
that crazy monk to the laundry and he invited her to his cabin
and she went and it's like he started acting a little weird
and thinking he was some high Lama and we found out that he
was kind of crazy the nun running the place told me and it was
to bad because who could she talk to while I was writing I mean
I'm a maniac of flashbacks and lashforwards when I'm pounding
at the keys and it's like I was redaing up Buck Henry's screenplay
and it was great I loved his dark dreams and heller's dreams
and it was finally all kind of crystallizing really fast now
this Kalachakra dream this high mother tantra I mean it was
intricate and it was dense and it was glorious it really was
like this consort visualization you know like yeah I was getting
ready to write and the head nun got into this fetal position
when I was talking to her I mean she wasn't sure what she was
about and she wanted me to like her and the caretaker this Texas
guy from Texas it's like he wanted to learn how to practice
and he was a painter all stoked up about Kadinski and then it
just happened I was ready to write and I was juggling all kinds
of white and yellow maps and I went to go see her and she told
me she had a dream about falling into the ocean like in the
middle of the Atlantic and that said it all like the pilot just
said something weird like BLUE GOTTA GO and I realized I had
bitten off more than I could chew I started to cry and she hld
my hand to her heart and I finally lifted off and went into
orbit yeah we were up in space at last and I experimented with
fonts and kind of floated through the dreamworlds and it was
kind of liquidy and full of texture and it was filled with shifting
rhythms and I could just feel myself fusing with Kafka and Joyce
and it was great despite a lot of re-writing which I didn't
really like and I found her in bed crying and wasting away and
I wasn't really fooled anymore by her calm exterior and Chesire
cat smiles I mean all those old things were still pulling and
tugging and I recited some of my old stuff and she liked it
and I sat on my glasses and the rains just kept coming and I
realized Joyce was a channel-surfer and so was I like we hated
watching the same old kind of show and she apologized for all
her mistakes and I just let her go and felt better I mean I
just kept dreaming about all these snatched offerings and it's
like she meant so much to me it's like she was this sexual saint
looking for spiritual protection in side this dream epic you
know layered with all kinds of order and chaos it's like she
was this sexual saint who was bleeding on everyone's behalf
like the way a divine mother sacrifices herself and I mean it's
like she was this chaos on the sacrifical altar of order like
Iphegenia od Petra you know and it's like she was a light for
the parasites this kind of holy mouth of Kali spewing all sorts
of light undifferentiated and digestible and yeah it's like
she was a prisoner of all these demons and a messanger of all
the gods and kind of like a river harnessed and damned up sort
of like an ocean of blessing you know a kind of toxin absorber
and transformer like a fire needing to be tamed I mean really
intense and subtley wrathful like creation and destruction itself
and kind of roaring away really attractive and repulsive like
this really fine jewel that needed divine kinds of cutting like
my diamond coming to life in thee flesh....
....and
I took her to the train station in San Jose. She was really
excited. I mean she was going on a train again just like in
Europe. We ran through the tunnels that led to her platform.
The cars were silent and empty like cool winter nights. We groaned
a little as we held each other. There was a feeling of closure
like that of a phase. The sky was overcast almost pretty that
day like a jazz record I clapped my hands as I started to wave
goodbye.
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