doesn't really care for madmen. It actually thinks they're pretty
wacko. But the more I thought about it, the mind itself was
what was really wacko. I mean just try to follow any train of
thought for just one minute. It's almost impossible. The mind's
flying in all kinds of fucking directions.
It really is. And a lot of these thoughts are just memory. Like
it's all in the past. It's all dead already. But then it was
back to the mind with all it's hungers. The therapy group congregated
around the doc and we started to say goodbye to each other.
There was also this cute psycho-therapist who had
the face of an angel. She definitely was interested; and it
wasn't hard not to be interested in her. I mean she had it all.
But something inside me said, " WHOE, BOY! " It's
like my desires were going to really kill my spiritual quest
and I didn't want this. But another part of me said, "
Go for it, Fool! " I
was getting confused. I was at war with myself. The mind had
doc and I had a private session and he strongly urged me to
tell my dad to have surgery. I was surprised by this remark,
but I accepted it.
You mean he should have surgery? " I asked.
" Yep! " he answered.
" But he wants to really cure his body with his mind, "
The doc sat back in his chair and just put his fingers to his
mouth. He was quiet for a minute.
Then he said: " I think he's a foolish man. He's fighting
with something he doesn't even understand. " He said this
with such conviction that he scared the shit out of me and made
me real quiet. I mean QUIET.
But his illness is making him start a spiritual journey, "
" He's going to have a spiritual journey, regardless of
whether he has surgery or not, " he intoned. " I think
he should cut out, what can be cut out; and employ every mental
resource he's got afterward. This business is going to force
him to draw on everything he's got anyway."
finished our interview with a flourish. Yep, it was a really
sobering interview. As far as I was concerned, the doc then
said: I should face my phobias head on. That it was always unwise
to project my internal divisions outward; and that I needed
to relax into all my psyches and to welcome all challenges.
Boy, what a mouthful!
doc also said I had this gift for integrating large chunks of
information quickly and that my gift was coated with this great
feeling-intellect. He said it was pretty rare too. The doc emphasized
as usual, the expansion of awareness, not the exaggeration of
the intellect. He urged us all not to run away from our psyche;
and to not split it by going to war against it. He wanted us
to really claim our entire psyche. Not to disown any of it.
The doc was something of an anarchist. I just love anarchists!
But the doc was a sweet one. He had this laugh which came from
deep inside his heart. He really cared about me. The doc could
be often really blunt. Like he said I had this tendency to retreat
into myself when people imposed their shit on me.
was a strong defense mechanism to hide my vulnerabilities. This
was OK to a point, but ultimately this over-protection led to
a gloomy isolation. Which was no good. It really wasn't. The
doc also said I had a tendency to get pretty lazy; and that
it took a lot to move me. Like a disaster, maybe?
dad was off the wheat-grass and into his laetrile phase. He
would go off to Baja and take me along sometimes. I didn't like
going to these clinics because they all looked kind of sleezy
and the people inside looked pretty desperate. I mean it was
like fantasy island. Serums, these gas and heat treatments.
I don't think any of this stuff was documented well enough.
So I wasn't that confident it would make a difference. I just
wasn't. But my dad was totally against any surgery. There was
no changing his mind. PERIOD.
dad was also consulting a lot of psychics. They were all members
of these spiritualist churches. One of them became good friends
with me. He was an English fellow who liked to talk about spiritual
laws. I came to him for guidance. He was the only person who
made me calm, really. One of the first things he said was that
my third book would be this gift from the heavens. That it would
be the BIG ONE. I thought this was a bit odd at the time because
I wasn't really planning on writing another book anytime soon.
I had already written two and they had been rejected by three
English psychic also told me that the struggle between the inner
and outer needed to be harmonized or I would lose my balance
and end up in a really bad way. He felt worrying would be no
good at all. The material crisis I found myself in was leading
to a spiritual search. The market was teaching me lessons that
I needed to understand and digest. But he didn't even see me,
being in the markets in the distant future. Some sort of karma
still needed to be worked off. Tension was the way to do this.
I meekly accepted it.